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Apr. 3rd, 2008

Happy!

 I had a very recently bad experience that turned into having to go through tests because something had been found. One of the tests is today after lunch sometime, an ultrasound. I went into a deep omg pity me world I hate you! Because I was afraid that I would say ok let’s fix this problem now and not transition yet, put myself on hold yet again. Go back into my neat (Really messy) closet and pretend to be a girl again. Even had some pretty gory self destructive doubts going through my mind. On the bright side I just noticed today that I'm over it, and I'm like fuck that when the 14th comes and the doctor does my blood work I hope to be started soon. Like an early birthday present to me or something. In short insurance most likely will be paying for part of my surgery. 

I'll of course be out of pocket a couple of grand and be off from work for a month at least but at least I won’t have to deal with what ifs later down the line. Or the oh noes you can't have that done because males do not have those organs. So I'm a bit cheerful, still a tad angry because I am still getting comments about I should try having a kid before I can't. Why do I fucking want to spit out a child? -Shudders- It's gross let someone else who thinks it's the greatest thing in the world carry a child for me. Other then that hell no I'm not going to go through that. Not to mention it would mean putting off my transition even longer.

I can't and I won’t go back into my box, hiding from the world who couldn't accept me even when I was trying so hard to be a femmie girl. Lol sadly some things I do classify me as a femmie boy, who cares. Besides I am the one who has to live with me no one else, ok other then Crystal =p. Today is just a good day; I'll have to break down and actually try to contact guys closer to where I am to well make contact. Lol I most likely will have to break down and go shopping for better clothes as well. I'm too big to do the skater boi look right now, even though those old pervy men who likes kids and still think I’m one hit on me. 

Let's see what else? Oh well shoot the thought ran away because my pervy vampire who will see this knows what he's doing to me. Naughty vampires and their naughty ways. Anyway closing this out because it's time to get to work, want to get down to nothing again so I can slowly slink around the print shop doing nothing. =^.^= Nearly forgot Sairen has his flying mount now on farstriders. Even if he nearly died on his first time up, now to get my druid my squishy restro druid his first mount kitty.

Mar. 29th, 2008

Saturday...

So I have been trying to will myself into throwing out things. Why is it so hard? Because I am a freakin pack rat. Doesn't matter that I can't fit those clothes anymore. That toy from my child hood smells funny, or I wouldn't be caught dead in those shoes again. I just... I'm waiting for word that I'll get my letter. Last appointment I signed a release so that my doctor and councilor can talk back and forth. This I know isn't a letter, well to me it isn't. Besides with my trust issues even if it was and my appointment on the 14th was only for blood work so I can start hrts I'll still doubt. I also have been really thinking that I'm being ultra lazy and making excuses on why I'm not putting extra money into my savings.

I don't want to be stuck wearing a binder forever! My chest is too freakin big and even bound and a few people not noticing I can still see. The only time I feel ok well some what ok not really one hundred percent is when I am double and triple binding. Which hurts, not a little bit but a lot to the point where if someone gets bitchy with me at work I want to smack them. Good thing I have my impulse control under wraps as well as my anger issues. Those last two are the main reasons I had waited to transition for so long. Ugh and I can't post on sites where I don't know anyone because of the sheer fact I see others getting torn down. Why? Because they are new to the site or they ask a question the wrong way. (In wrong way I mean they did not ask the question the same way the newly minted cyber bully would have asked.

_-_ Fuck its nearly noon and I haven't showered or eaten or even done anything worth while then get out of bed and go searching yet again for surgeons. I think most of my problem lies in not being sure if the doctor isn't just pulling my chain on the promised letter. If the judge will grant me a legal name change, if I can really save the money and find a surgeon that isn't going to hang me with prices. How I'll take care of myself while I recover from the surgery. As if a few weeks ago I now know I wont have someone here to take care of me or help. Things are just so piled up right now, which is good in a way because it allows me to see how far I have come with coping skills. Back when I was early 20's this amount of pressure would become so unbearable that I would snap. Of course making things for me ten times worst then they were before.

I don't even have skating to fall back on right now, why? Because I keep making excuses on why I shouldn't go back yet or now. I won’t go into those because even in my own head they sound rather bland and stupid. On a side note my head aches are gone and I'm back to drinking plenty of water again. The downside I have also being craving salt, which means my legs will go back to the weird reaction I have when my kidneys won’t flush right. Lets see, Oh I need to get off my lazy arse and go get some clothes I can wear just in case I have something important to do. I haven't worn a dress or skirt in over seven years why the hell would I give in and wear one now? I'm still feeling anti-social not from fear but because I am going through the “I don’t pass so why go out?” I can still see my moobs so my mind says everyone else can as well. It doesn't help when people insist on using gender variant names on me constantly just to see me flinch or close down.

Yes I do that, and still mentally snarl at myself when I tear up when alone or worst straight out and cry. When I was coming up I had been taught boys don't cry, only girls. Therefore I wasn't close to being a boy and would never be a man because I was weak and much too sensitive. My mother words coming back even now to bite me on the arse. Speaking of which I haven't heard anything from her or her family. Not that I want to completely, except for the part of me that wants to ask more questions about younger me. I blocked a lot of stuff out because of the abuse, or glossed things over so when consistant co-workers talk about the bright cheerful homes they had growing up I can add to the conversation. This is one reason I hate holidays, people throw their fucking pinky bunny cheer into your face!

Anyway closing this out now it has become a wall of font because I was stalling on my day. So ja ne to the those who added me to friends and can read my posts. Oh and I'll see if I can work on less angry stuff, I mean my days aren't always so grrr.

Mar. 27th, 2008

So my brother knows...

 He is currently serving in Iraq at this moment and decided to call me tonight for me and three am for him. >,< I had to shove him off the phone to get sleep.  Well anyway I didn't want to tell him over the phone for fear of a negative reaction without me seeing his face. I told him to please from now on call me my new name. He did several times and even ended the call with goodbye brother. It actually feels good, though I really did not fear losing him or losing his respect. He had already thought I was gay, _-_ Sadly everyone did. So this may not be such a big omg a freak fair thing when I'm completely out. Though it's starting to make me edgy when people glance at my face then my chest to see is I have chesticles. I completely feel I don't pass, but then again I'm not really venturing to places that did not know me before passing.

Even some of the new places I get whispered about. "Oh there they are!" "Is it a boy or a guy?" "It's a faggot don't look." "Lol either I'm a (insert rude female same sex relationship comment here) Or I'm gay or an it while being gay.  I don't really have more news to post other then -Whine- I am an lazy arse who hasn't lost more pounds.  Why? Because now and laters are fucking addictive with their blue berry goodness! At least I broke myself away from Twinkies (Eaten only for the nummy cream filling.)  Not to mention haven't touched a soda since... err December. Why? Because I forgot one from a dinner here and when I picked it up it had already did the slime mold thing during winter! >,<

Oh and not really into amp anymore, bought some from the gas station going to work and ended up with a year old can. Made me sick as a dog for two days. Add my hunger pangs going wild it wasn't a pretty sight. Ok back to WoW must lvl this bitchy hunter before he sniffles about his prettieness being mared while I kill those filthy humans. If anyone who is me friendly see someone by the name of Kyies running around post me. =)

Mar. 26th, 2008

Another day

So this week and last has been stressful, why? Because of the name change. People down town can't give you the information you ask for. So I ended up going down to the district court twice and nearly a third time, you would think for 140 bones they would be a tad bit more helpful. First I had to find my own paper work/legal forms, second I did the running to the judge’s office to turn in the forms. Last but not least a simple answer of this can take up to a couple of days to several weeks would have been helpful. I hate checking my mail every freakin' day, why? Because they have had problems with people breaking into boxes if they see you checking your mail as if you were receiving money through post.

So with all of this going on I can't really talk to anyone, I'm afraid to talk to the doctor for fear that it would be seen as whining about simple things. Why would I feel that way? Because the people I had been allowing myself to trust make callas comments to me. Even people I can't mention names because I know they read this for the fact that want to know how I am handling things. Truthfully I feel like I can't trust anyone period, telling me I'm emo or giving up because I mention my views on some of the stupid things people have to go through does not help. Fucking listen to me! Stop trying to analyze me and cloud me with titles such as emo or weepy or sensitive.

Look most of you bastards whine about every damn thing, cry about every damn thing! I allow shite to build up before even actually saying anything? Why? because you fucking retards make shitty comments back to me or dismiss my worries as pointless. If I were to turn the tables on you then you act like I'm the villain, none of you realize that you do it to me day in and day out. So that is the main reason I post here, because I am tired of talking to pathetic self-centered humans who pretend to care by saying a few nice things here and now. On a side note I've become a lazy arse and only do weight training. Lucky for me I'm actually maintaining my weight which is ok I suppose but sucks in the long run of wanting to have dropped more.

Of course I get you weight more because you have more muscle mass, fuck that shite I was fit yet only weighed in at 135. Doing the cleanse is out because right now my body acts like it needs to eat every few hours. And if I skip or do just a soup then an hour later I'm getting pretty bad hunger pains. Lol on a side note I was told to come into the apartment office because one of the manager’s college age kids said there had been a guy going in and out of my apartment. Turns out said guy was me, so my binding isn't as bad as I had thought it would be. Lol I still think I have the speed bump and not even close to being where I want it to be. Even if I get comments from people saying it looks fine. OF course these are the same people just a few that I laid trust in only to have them be back stabbing heartless witches.

Mar. 20th, 2008

Today but yesterday

 The doctor’s visit was actually pretty good, I was told to contact the doctor that will start the treatment even though I did not have my letter. Well I did that then found out I have to have a referral though I don't know how to do this because my current primary is already a General practice and so is the doctor that can start the treatment. I really don't want to give up my current doctor since I know for a fact if something comes up were I get sick or ill she will at least find out a way that I can still get treatment.  I'm afraid I'll have to switch to someone that is mostly in it all just for the money and not the least bit in caring if someone needs help or not. _-_ I have to do everything by the book or else my insurance won’t pay and will leave me in the lurch. Like they did when I slowly became sick because my gallbladder had quit working. I kept getting told only old people or those morbidly obese have that problem. And since I was neither maybe I just have a weak stomach or maybe its just nerves. Well by the time I finally received help I had gotten up to throwing up at least six times a day regardless if I had eaten anything. Was on four pills for pain to ease cramps and to flush my bowls, eventually I was allowed to see a specialist who knew the systems told me it would be best to plan for surgery even before I had had further tests.

Anyway back to what I was saying I just want insurance to actually pay their share since these doctors are allowing them.  I hate waiting around for calls from people to make sure everything is evened out as well. Too much of a hassle to do you know. Oh and once again I didn't check the label on an item bought from gas station down the street. Didn't think to look at the date as I finished about half of the can. Not until my forth time puking my guts up did I check the can and notice that the drink was a fucking year old! This isn't the first time these people have allowed old stuff to be on their shelves, I was sick another time. Then several others I found the old stuff before buying and told them about them. What do I have to do report them to seven on your side for them to stop profited from selling old rubbish? I'm tired of getting sick from stuff that they sell because they are too lazy to order properly or to check when stocking shelves. Hell I thought it was actually illegal to do what they have been doing.

Blah jumping back and forth on thoughts now because I’m feeling blah because they can't keep the temp correct in this place. Cold and hot constantly is annoying not to mention makes people start snotting all over the place.  Which I am currently doing, and since I am in a caffeine withdrawal stage it's annoying to my head.  On a brighter note I had some really nummy sushi last night and since I bought two trays I'll have some for dinner tonight as well. =) Yay for me.  I would post more but I have to finish lunch, left over St. Patrick’s Day stuff before lunch is over. >,< So Ja ne for now.

Mar. 14th, 2008

Sick

Sickly today why? Because I tried to tough it out and go to work during a migraine. Which I hadn't had to deal with in nearly six months. Stress added up, mostly the fact that I have to play nice at work while I am being walked all over. So I od on a few pain pills to ease the pain so that I could actually go to work. Now I'm drowsy and sick to my stomach, been back and forth to the loo because I keep getting sick. Why wont I go home? Because Pam the main reason I am back to having head pains from hell is off today. So it should be quiet and nice, which it sort of is, except for my weak puny stomach that is pissing me off. 

Even the drinks I normally like are like omg do they really smell that bad? I think they do and have been like a few meats that I used to like. Stinky stuff doesn't pass Taka's lips ever! Why because if I force myself to eat that stuff it comes right back up. _-_ I wanted to have meso soup today too. But I can't because I have to run home and pick up some paper work for my name change stuff. Yes ^.^ I am changing my name because I finally have enough saved up without dipping into important savings.

Blah mm sleepy too, haven't been this darn tired since Monday.. no wait Sunday was a hard day too. Which was weird for me since normally the time going back is the part where I'm so extra sleepy. Could be with the last two days and being sick today is stumping me down. >> I don't feel like writing anymore. So closing this out. 


Mar. 12th, 2008

Wednessday

So yesterday I was nearly guilt-ed into doing something I didn't want to do. I haven't wanted to go out in public because wearing my new binder hurts. Finally a longer model comes in and guess what... it isn't tight enough to do anything. So right now I'm stuck actually wearing more then one, which means if I move too fast I get light headed because I have to relearn breathing. I don't feel comfortable asking anyone anything right now, I think it's the fact that I have people who are now pretending that I'll just change my mind because of cost and such. Just because I ask them where an office is then remark on how much it costs to change a name. 140 just for the court fee's that doesn't count the paper work I'll need or even the lawyer fee. 

Right now I'm waiting for an e-mail back from the company’s lawyer to see if I can do this without getting a lawyer or if they could make sure I actually feel out the paper work correctly. I'm not actually surprised that everything is just stacking up like this. For one I know I am rushing things, hell I have held off for years. Why should I have to freakin wait now, after the entire wait was me actually making sure this is what I really wanted. So what if I put in the back of the closet, it wasn't as if I was going out meeting guys and pretending we'll marry and have 2.5 kids. I had thought that when I was a kid, but I had always seen myself as the daddy and having a wife.

I'm worried my name will be turned down and I'll have wasted money, I'm worried that I won’t get the extra pounds I have on me off. I started out this year as a 210 pound guy, through a cleanse then a diet and a bit of exercise I have gotten down to 180. Today I have gone back onto the cleanse which I'll do for two weeks this time, without the solid meal at night. Shorter then the last time I did it but lacking solid foods. Everything is liquid diet plus the drink that is suppose to kick start my
metabolism and curve my zest to eat everything on my plate just because it A. smells good. B. Someone some where is starving. C. I shouldn't waste anything because I remember when I didn't have money to buy it in the first place.

On to brighter things, I actually enjoyed LOTRO but then after about two hours I was feeling like I was actually cheating on my WoW friends. Even though some of them actually only seemed to bother with me after they were finished with the ones who had been with the game since first launch. I can only say the bad thing about LOTRO is it's so slow, everything is so spaced out and the graphics seem third rate. Like an old ps2 game. The bad things on WoW are people are impatient, rude, and snobbish. If you don't know something you are expected to figure it out for yourself. Everyone has cliques where you are not welcome because first you don't role play or you do. Or you haven't been with the game since the beginning. 

Doesn't matter if you started three months after burning's release date, you are a newbie and nothing will change that. Not even several lvl 70's. Heh which I don't really have yet anyway. Heck I have two close but I just don't feel like reaching that last goal. I'm not sure if it's fear that I'll just wonder what the hell I had been doing for this long or what. Not to mention part of the reason I never went back skating was because of the game, everything takes time and if you want to group you have to be patient and if it means waiting hours for an instance that only takes thirty minutes then so be it.  Blah fifth teen minutes before the day starts. Going to spell check then close out... by that I mean I'll just go lurk on my groups.

Mar. 11th, 2008

So I don't pass in public..

Just as the title states I do not pass in public, at least not well. If someone uses a female title towards me I notice my voice goes up. Or my female which pisses me off and makes me automatically start to speak in a higher voice. Yet strained like it isn't my voice at all.  God I hate it makes me want to cry which makes me want to scream. I'm afraid to correct people once they put me in their gender box. Afraid that I'll just become even more scarred then I already am. I hear people talking behind my back. The "what is it?" "The " I think it's a fag." The "I think it's a butch dyke." Lol funny thing is why do those bother me now? I mean I actually got that throughout my life anyway. Along with freak and weird and different sort of titles. 

I think it hurts now because I've come out to myself, and now it's all like an open wound that is very raw. Some things hurt more then others while at times I don't care. I got my binders and it makes me happy to know I can pass that way, sort of since I don't think I'm flat chested enough to get rid of my chesticles. Urgh I don't think today will be a good one either; last week was bad because people kept dumping stuff on me. But I couldn't even say shut up the world doesn't revolve around you! I have problems too but you don't hear me whining about them. Right now I'm in a place where I don't have anyone to talk to about these things. Other then strangers who I haven't a clue if they even really care two shits about me.

-Sighs- I think I'm going to be strong, last thing I want is to break down and sound like a raving crazy person in front of my doctor next week. Yes ^.^ I have an appointment with a gender specialist, I had thought it would take forever to get in. Because of insurence and such, but I'm in. Now to figure out how the hell to get there since I freaking suck at directions. Lol and I will even drive around for hours on end trying to find a place before that small spark of female in me says damn it Tayler just fucking ask for directions. Then I wind up feeling stupid just because I had passed the place several times because with glasses I have huge arse blind spots.

Lol but at least once I get lost I can UN-lose myself and if I get lost in the area again I can always some how find my way out of being lost.  I can't wait until my girl gets here to stay, I'm freaking lonely, even playing LOTRO sucks and WoW isn't even holding me enthralled right now. I'm not depressed, and at least I know why I was freaking out so much the last couple of weeks. I was really dehydrated as well as my iron levels being so far down that I had been dealing with a constant head ache for more then a month. The last week I've had weakness dizzy spells and even lack of hunger, oh and the lovely bruises I didn't do anything to get but sleep wrong.

I'm going to stop posting now, before someone says anything, even though I really don't have anything to do right now.

Mar. 5th, 2008

o.9 No subject just more rants

I decided not to post today. I'm just much to beyond fucking pissed to try to post anything without using full names.

Mar. 3rd, 2008

Update/Rant

So... I really don't feel like typing something long and drawn out.  Hell I don't feel like typing anything at all. I feel rather disjointed right now; in the I don't feel the need to give a fuck about anything right now. I should be trying to be all cheerful and everything for when I see my PCP this Wednessday. But I feel like why bother, still dealing with shite at work. First person I told about the real me treated me like shite last week. Talking about me behind my back, acting bitchy and what not. No I'm not making up the talking about part... it isn't from my imagination, I walked in on it. Then this weekend again I was stood up on activities planned. Plus I feel like I'm not important enough for anyone to actually take time to spend time with me. No games, movies, TV shows and what not or more important. 

When I bring it up to people excuses are made and I end up forgiving constantly. I feel like I should just delete my yahoo and start over. Lol then I think why the fuck should I have to delete my hard earned role play accounts because people are self fucking centered arse holes. I tried to go back and play on WoW but just couldn't stomach the pain in my shoulder. So turned it off, plus my pc is acting sluggish after each time I go on Gaia. I don't know what the hell they are doing to their site but it has started to take over a minute from thread to thread sort of thing. Plus disgusted there as well since everyone I used to talk to barely come on anymore. Or they have mules and I don't feel like asking for those names to talk to them. I haven't even been on my own mule accounts later. In the end anyway I was afraid to transfer stuff because of the sheer fact that they had become ban happy on the site.

Yes I spent money there on their pixeled items, because I knew the money went towards severs to keep them up and such. Besides I would be beyond pissed if I was banned for sending items from one mule to another and had spent as much time and money only to have the fucking mods ignore posts that no I wasn't hacking botting or what ever else they can say people did to earn banage. Heh so much for not wanting to type anything, anyway this weekend was stressful. Didn't really do anything because I had been waiting for the promised call this weekend. >> Yeah I know stupid since just the week before the same thing happened. I need new friends; well I can't even call those current people my friends. Clearly I don't trust the fucks as far as I could throw them.

I actually miss Johnny at least he was good at getting back to me about plans and such, he's going overseas early to well I don't really know what the fucking prez has people going back for. Clearly those fucks don't want our help, so why spend money and time over there? I'm a big believer on helping yourself before sticking up and helping someone else. I mean hell people over here are starving yet you see all these damn infomercials about save the children. Fuck them over there! Kids here are starving people in general are. I remember when I first got out of school and started working I was only taking home 500 a month. With rent being 350 car insurance being 275 a month and gas 40 a month. This doesn't count the electric bill but when I needed help and food money did I get it? No because I clearly made too much money.  Yep it was fun being over drawn every month 200 dollars, and they wonder why people just would rather draw free checks then rely on proper payments from jobs. 

 

Funny thing is I actually went into what I thought and had done research paid well. Stupid me didn’t take into consideration this is fucking Arkansas a hick state that believe dental is a luxury and not a need. Ok closing this out now break is over and I’m running over on how long I have been sitting here ranting.

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